Archive of ‘memories’ category

Rain dancing.

“Life isn’t about surviving the storm. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” -Unknown author

Mother’s Day 2017 was yesterday.  My mama stopped by and gave me a bracelet with that quote on it. 

Rain dancing.

We’re not touristy at all. (after hospital stay)

I didn’t realize until I read the bracelet that I have gotten pretty good at rain dancing.  I know that in general I am a glass half full person.  It is just who I am.  I can’t dwell on the difficult or the Hard for too long. Sometimes that isn’t the healthiest choice but I’m working on it.

One of the last photos I took before the accident.

Sometimes it catches up to me.

Sometimes I watch others get frustrated, angry, sad, infuriated; and I feel myself get frustrated because when do I get a turn to feel that way? But that is my choice. I am trying to learn to allow some anger, some sadness, some frustration into my emotional arsenal. 

But rain dancing. That I can do.

But I don’t realize I am doing it until later.

In front of a volcanic crater lake. NBD.

So we went to Iceland. My outdoorsy, mountain loving, traffic hating, lovable hunk of a husband talked me into a week long trip in the most sparsely populated country in Europe.  And I was so glad, and continue to be glad that we went.  #icelandisstillnice

For the ten of you who read my blog who aren’t family and friends- here is a brief synopsis of what happened on Day 5 of our trip.

We had reservations to take an one hour horse back tour with a guide across the countryside of Iceland.  Our son receives hippotherapy twice a month and I have always loved horses.  Todd had never ridden and knew it would be special for me so we booked it.  We dressed in these huge rubber trousers that were similar to what fireman wear, and we set off on our beautiful thick-coated horses with our young but experienced guide.  About 5 min into the trip, we both commented how well trained the horses were, how easy they were to ride, and how much fun it was.  We all stayed in a nice line – the guide, then me, then Todd.  The guide asked if we minded doing a slight trot with the horses and of course we said sure, so we trotted a bit.  It was fun but when we slowed down, I could feel a difference in my horse.

He wanted to keep trotting. He was very close to the guide’s horse and if I tried to pull the reins back, he tussled a bit with me.  We stopped to take pictures and then my horse started walking off to the side a bit. I tried to lead him back over, and for a split second it seemed like he was going to obey but then something just changed.

No loud sounds, no strange movements by me, the horse just started to run.  My first instinct was not to use a calming voice like she had suggested because of course I was startled and frightened. But then I remembered and I tried to use the techniques she suggested.

Terribly unflattering photo of my first time sitting up in a chair at the hospital

He wasn’t having it.

He took off like a shot and the rest is history.

History that changed me.

History that brought on more rain dancing.

What followed was a six night hospital stay at one of the two hospitals in Iceland, in the beautiful town of Akureyi.

I received/suffered/endured (not sure what the right wording is) five fractured ribs, a punctured lung with a pneumothorax, and a broken sacrum.

Five broken bones that cannot be put in casts. Cannot be set. And the sacral bone is what I make contact with, every time I sit down. 

View from my hospital room

It was scary. I’m not gonna lie. Lying on the ground after being thrown from the horse, coughing up blood. I couldn’t turn either way because my broken bones are on opposite sides of my body.

It was scary. 

But I knew I would be okay. Something kept me calm. Something told me that it wasn’t going to be fun, but it was going to be okay.

The handsome Icelandic EMTs who sat with me in the ambulance, telling me how much time was left until we got the hospital, they told me it would be okay.

The nurses who greeted me, who sat beside me in the ER while they tried to figure out what was broken, and how serious everything was. They kept me calm. They talked to me like everything was okay.

They know how to rain dance.

Helga, the young nurse from a nearby town in Iceland who had attended nursing school in Chicago. She gave me a foot massage and chatted with me about every day things, just to keep my mind off the pain.  She helped me brush my teeth and wash my face myself for the first time after being hurt.

She knows how to rain dance.

Skyping from far far away…

“Take a car ride to Iceland?” said Evan one night when we Skyped. My heart broke but there was also a part of me that felt such joy that my little guy missed me so much and wanted us home. We have worked so hard on keeping him engaged and connected to us- and he really missed his Mommy and Daddy. 

It was very hard to dance in the rain when I thought about my kids from my hospital bed- but my friends and loved ones kept texting, emailing, calling, sending cute little videos so I could hear their voice and see their smiling face. (I’m looking at you Talia!) In times of strife, you really do realize the love and light in your life. 

And then we finally came home. After a 5 hour car ride to Reykjavik and a six hour flight home, we came home to a clean home, and sleeping, very loved on children. Thank you Mimi, Pappy, Gran, and GrandRich!

Chilling with my girl

For the past 2.5 weeks, I have been setting up shop in my bed, regularly icing my fractures, trying to stay comfortable, and walking around when I can.  I went from a wheelchair to a standing high walker, to crutches, to a slight limp.

Rain dancing was really hard the first week I was home when I couldn’t sleep because the pain was so intense. When I had to get an elevated toilet seat because I couldn’t bend over at all. When my son only wanted to climb on my lap and no one else’s so his behavior became erratic and he acted out. 

But somehow we got through it. And one day I looked to my left and both kids were in bed with me. Melody in the crook of my arm and Evan lying next to her.  He looked up at me and said, “Hi mommy! Can I go in Mommy and Daddy’s room? Can I cuddle you?”

He asks questions that he already knows the answer to as a way to communicate and stay engaged with me.

It hit me all at once. Without realizing it, I had been enjoying my time with both kids immensely. Take out the responsibility of keeping up with housework, teaching, and all that was left was a focus on my recovery and the time spent with family.  I felt guilty that I couldn’t do the dishes or walk down the basement steps to do the laundry. I hated not being able to take the kids were they needed to be.

Enter rain dancing.

All that was expected of me was a focus on my healing and when I felt well enough to sit with the kids in bed- this awesome thing happened. They both figured out ways to spend time with me in bed.

Evan reading with his head in my lap (ribs protected by a pillow)

Mother’s Day music time

Just last night, Melody snuggled up next to Evan and just said to herself, “I love you, Evan.” and closed her eyes and smiled. 

Those moments are hard to catch when I am caught up in cleaning up after the kids at night, making lunches, laundry, and my mind is 153 different places.

I want to remember this.

I want to remember what it feels like to just focus on family. Just focus on the kids, my husband, my mom.  Whomever is with me at the time.

I know that will become difficult all over again when I go back to work in a few weeks and more responsibility is back on my shoulders. But I do hope that I can remember what it felt like to dance through the raindrops these past few weeks.

**Update:

after writing this earlier today- Evan had a seizure, after having one last night. He had four in one day last week.  I felt myself tense up all over. The worry is back, the concern over if we are medicating him correctly. The neurologist is talking about more aggressive meds, new tests….

Rain dancing is really really hard when these things crop up.

Just being real.

But tonight Evan put his head on my stomach and listened to the digestive sounds it was making and we had a huge laugh about it. I used to do that with my mom growing up, and it cracked me up. He likes to play with the word and pretend to say the ch sound at the end so he kept giggling and saying, “stomach (with the ch digraph sound)” and then “how are you?” with a big grin on his face.

I’m going to think about the stom-itch sounds instead of the seizures.

At least for a little while.

 

 

How Great Thou Art…Through the Years

I know I have said it about 25 different times in my blogging lifetime. (okay maybe 250 times….)

But the way in which Evan hears music is not like the way I hear music.  And I am an incredibly sensitive, emotional person.  A canary, as Glennon Melton likes to call us.

But Evan hears music in his soul. In his heart. Not just with his ears. In fact his ears are probably the last place that hears the music.

When he was a young toddler, I noticed that when I would play hymns for him, he would become entranced.  The more climactic the song, the better.  Sometimes he would squeal for more. Sometimes he would sob at the end.  Possibly because it was ending, possibly because the song swelled and his little sensitive heart couldn’t take it.. I’ll never know exactly.

Here he is at age 2 watching Carrie Underwood and Vince Gill sing “How Great Thou Art.” You’ll notice the legs kicking, the excited rolling of his arms, and the stare when he realizes the song is almost over.

 

About three months later, here he is following a hippotherapy session singing in the back seat.  A child who was barely saying single words clearly, was able to sing the chorus to a hymn.  (excuse the darkness, you can hear him clear as day)

And finally, I played him the same video with Carrie U and Vince Gill today.  I had to splice together a few bits and pieces of his listening experience.  We had Spotify on the TV so he just had the album cover and title on the screen.

The video caught it off at the end, but Evan looks at me with his glistening, teary eyes, and said, “How Great Thou Art again?”

I just wish for one minute I could be inside his complex mind and see what he is seeing and feeling.

“Then sings my soul….”

 

 

Look at me, Mama

Evan and our family has been a part of a research study out of the University of Louisville since he was 18 months old.  I’ve talked about it here, here, and here.

A part of that study is a monthly phone conversation that I had with Dr. Carolyn Mervis, the principal investigator in the study.  I had multiple forms to fill out monthly, to update Dr. Mervis on Evan’s speech and language process.  Some months I looked forward to the call, because I was excited to share the new words Evan was using.  Some months I waited until the very last minute to do the forms because I knew he hadn’t made much progress that month, or maybe our lives were crazy that month and I hadn’t noticed any big changes. (ie: Melody’s birth, one of my miscarriages, etc)

Some items would stay unmarked for months, sometimes years, “Does your child use his/her index finger to show INTEREST in something, not just to ask for something?”

Nope. Still doesn’t really do that.

But there was one item that puzzled me month after month.

The item said, ” When your child is playing with a toy, does he/she look at you and then back at the toy?”

Huh?

I remember admitting to Dr. Mervis one month, that I didn’t quite know what that looked like.  I’ll never forget what she said. “You’ll know it when you see it,”

Ok sure, I’ll just figure it out on my own.

Well, until a few months ago, I don’t think I really knew, but I do now.

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Look at me, Mama!

I know now because Melody does it, all day, every day.  She crawls around playing with toys, standing up, cruising, playing again, all the while, she looks to see if I am paying attention.

So that is what she meant.

Evan looks at me. We cuddle together, we sing, we play rough house games and we check in all during those times.  But “social referencing,” or checking in with your play partner, loved one, etc while interacting…it just doesn’t come as naturally to him.  He does it more now, especially when in a situation where he is not familiar. He might look to me, because he needs comfort or security.

Melody does it because she is a typically developing 9 month old who wants to make sure I am paying attention. Just because.

Sometimes this feels amazing, exhilarating almost.  To know that she is “on track,” that she wants to make sure I am there.  Something we still “work on” with Evan. We have to be intentional about encouraging referencing and the motivation behind it.  To know that it won’t be so hard with Melody. (not that she won’t have her own set of hard)

Sometimes I feel a pit in my stomach. I feel guilty that I am excited. I realize how incredibly hard Evan works for all his milestones.

Melody is standing on her own, and almost walking at nine months.

No hands!

No hands!

Evan walked at 25 months.  I can remember it like it was yesterday. It was so exciting.

I know….they are different people. And not just because of their chromosomal makeup.  They are different genders, different personality types, etc.  I shouldn’t compare.

But having a child with special needs born first, it is hard not to.

I remember being pregnant with Melody and talking with other friends who had their child with Williams Syndrome first, and than a second child without special needs.  They said it would be so different.  Not bad, not good, not better. Just different.

I couldn’t agree more.

But I will say this, having the two of them together, is way better.

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Bro and sis, checking out the geese

Sigh....My heart.

Sigh….My heart.

 

 

H is for Holidays. And Hard.

I love holidays.

As a child, I would have countdown calendars, I would beg my mom to put out the decorations weeks and weeks ahead.

I would be giddy with excitement and riddled with anticipation for the month prior.

Will the Easter Bunny come? How many eggs will I find?  What songs will we sing at church on Christmas Eve?  What time am I allowed to be up Christmas morning?

During pregnancy and in the early years with parenthood, I continued to be excited at the prospect of including our children in our traditions.  Our family meals, board games, gift opening, egg hunts, the list goes on.

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Unfortunately, I still have a fondness for holidays but I no longer am riddled with excitement for weeks prior.

Instead, I find myself dreading the family meals, worrying about gift time, anxious about family gatherings.

Holidays are a time where I find myself seeing the diagnosis instead of seeing my son.

A time where he is surrounded by cousins, children who are the same age or younger, and they are doing and saying things far beyond his development.  It used to upset me more because it would be hard for ME to handle but I always thought Evan was doing fine with it.  He would play with the electronic toys, happily flitting from one to the next, not worrying about his family members, happy to play and do his own thing.

But that has changed.

It seems now Evan is more aware of his environment. More aware of his “sticking out.”

Not in the same way that I might feel like I don’t fit into a group.  More that he does not understand why everyone is running around playing pretend games. He doesn’t understand why we seem so adamant that he do an egg hunt. I can just see in his eyes the thought, “Why are mommy and daddy so upset that I don’t want to do this? What is the big deal? I just want to play with the toys that are easy and fun for me. They make me happy. Let me be happy.”

Damn it. That is HARD.

Choosing when to include your child because you think it is important for him, or is it because it is important for YOU?

Because of Evan’s delayed speech development, we don’t always know what he is thinking or feeling.  He didn’t say he didn’t want to do the egg hunt. He just kept making a bee line for the door and requesting to go back in the house.  But later on at the party, I knew exactly what he was thinking and feeling. I caught his gaze from across the room.  He was playing with some electronic toy and staring off into space and I could see it written all over his face. He was exhausted and tired from the noise, the rapid movements, the conversations all around him that he didn’t feel he could or should be a part of.  I went over to him, sat down next to him and he crawled into my lap, “Cuddle you, mommy.”

My heart sank but I also felt this strange relief.

Relief because he told me what he needed. He needed comfort, closeness, a sense of familiarity in a dynamic environment that overwhelmed him.  12186378_10208003238498964_5136476171225720603_o

Once again, through a difficult situation, a little light shines.

“There’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.” -Leonard Cohen

Holidays will continue to be tough sometimes.

Holidays will continue to have joy sometimes.

Thank goodness for cracks.

Thank goodness for cuddles.

 

 

 

Just a Juxtaposition

“Cuddle you, Mommy.”

“Hi, Mommy!”

“Hi, Mommy!”

“Hi Mommy! Hi Daddy! Hi Mommy!”

“I want to sit, Mommy.” (meaning he wants to sit on my lap)

These phrases are said on a daily basis. Some days he greets me about two hundred times. Nope, not exaggerating.

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Bundled up and ready to handle the snow for about 3 minutes

You know how you have those memories of conversations that always stick with you? You can remember where you sat, what you thought, and maybe even what you were wearing.  I have a lot of those. Mind you, I can’t find my phone or keys most days but I remember certain conversations like they happened two minutes ago.

Anyway, I recall having a Facebook “conversation” with an old high school friend.  I believe it started after I posted this entry  . I was reveling in the excitement of hearing Evan say my name for the first time on his own without a model.  She was complimenting my blog and then she followed it with something like, “Soon he will be saying your name over and over and you’ll need him to take a break!”

So she was partially spot on.

He does say my name. A LOT.

He says it sometimes just to maintain connection/engagement with me.  We figured out that sometimes he is so excited to be sharing something with us, but he can’t put it into words so he just keeps greeting us, because he knows it will receive a response and he wants to make sure we are still “with him.” It’s his way of checking in.

So my friend was 110% correct about the repeating.

But I do not need him to take a break.

Believe me, there are things he does that make me weary. Such as turning on and off the baby swing, or asking to watching “funny puppies” on You Tube.  But when it comes to language and communication, I still get excited when he remembers to check in or he asks me to “cuddle you.” (which of course means, please cuddle with him.)

Evan’s language is more delayed than the average 4.5 year old with Williams Syndrome.  He has a large vocabulary, and he understands SO many words.  But he speaks mostly in two or three word phrases and some longer ones that he uses to express is needs.

Again, I forget how delayed he is until I stop comparing Evan to Evan and I compare him to another child.  We were at the dentist’s office recently and there was a little girl who was very excited to share every toy with her mom.  Her mom looked very tired and overwhelmed from whatever her day entailed. Her daughter would jump in her face, show her a toy and babble on about all the details.  The mom was half listening and tolerating her daughter but you could tell she just needed a little quiet.

And I totally understood.

Sort of.

Because I thought to myself, “Wow, at Evan’s age he should be sharing toys with me and telling me about them.” That mom doesn’t realize how awesome it is that her little girl is speaking in long sentences and sharing experiences with her.

Then my mind went to a weird, unfamiliar place. I thought about Melody.

Just hanging out

Just hanging out

I immediately felt guilt and wonder. I was pondering if my little girl would come up to me in a doctor’s office one day and babble on about toys until I ask her to go play by herself because my mind needs a break.  I felt a slight excitement at that prospect with weirdness and guilt mixed in.

I looked at my boy, playing with the musical toys and repeating, “I want to play!” and “toys!” with glee.

We have celebrated and fought for every one of Evan’s milestones. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t hope that there wouldn’t be as big a fight for Melody.  But at the same time, I wouldn’t change what we have had with Evan for the world.

The juxtaposition of those two feelings is kind of exquisite.

And I still love hearing….”Hi Mommy!” two hundred times a day.

Growing love

Growing love

 

 

2016, “yes please”

Well hello there.

Yes, I’m still alive. Barely kicking but alive. And well.

One day old baby girl and her mama

One day old baby girl and her mama

Seriously though, we did it. We had a second baby. A daughter. Boy do I love saying that.

No complications at birth, no digestive issues as of yet, no cardiologist visits, no red flags. Relief at every corner. We know that isn’t a permanent feeling but I’ll take it.

Melody has showed us from day one that she is HERE and she needs to be heard.

Evan and "Pipes"

Evan and “Pipes”

First time brother meets sister

First time brother meets sister

I keep saying, “She is going to give us a run for our money,” and Todd said so truthfully back to me, “I’m counting on it.”

Which is so incredibly true.  I would be lying if I said my truest, most real hopes and dreams for Melody include her being able to watch out for her big brother.  Being able to stick up for him, model skills and language that he can’t learn from us, and most of all, love him with a fierceness only she could.

I often feel guilt thinking those things because the last thing I want to do is put pressure on a little girl who isn’t even four months yet.  I want her to grow into her own person and figure out what and who it is that SHE wants to love, support, and be a part of.

But then I see her gazing at Evan.  Watching his every move. Smiling at his laugh.  Studying his actions.  And slowly Evan is returning that gaze.  Most of the time we have to prompt him to talk about her or acknowledge her presence.  Except for when she is hiccupping.

He LOVES that. He will imitate her and say “Silly!”

But the other day I was in the kitchen getting his dinner ready.  Melody was in the exersaucer and Evan was playing with the music on the front. (go figure).  They were in the living room, out of my direct sight.

All of a sudden I hear, “Hi Melody!”

My heart soared.  Just typing it brings tears to my eyes.  He wanted to connect with her, just because. And he did it with words. Such a small two words for most people but for us…

HUGE.

He has adopted the phrase “yes, please,” after everything he asks for these days.  I didn’t teach it to him in that exact way, but it has stuck.

Thus, I say, “2016……yes, please.”

We’re ready.

Siblings, a dream that became a reality

Siblings, a dream that became a reality

 

Time keeps on ticking

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September 2013, 26 months

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Walking in like a boss

A year ago, we took those pictures. Wearing a plaid button down onesie and walking with a super wide gait and arms up like a T Rex, our son plowed his way into school. I wasn’t sure if it was the right time for me to go back to work. The right time for Evan to be in school. It ended up being the PERFECT time for him to be in school. He flourished and was loved. Boy was he loved. Man, I could go on about that school for hours….

Anyway.

Fast forward a year.

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September 2014, 3 years old

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P.S. that is only half of his supplies…..

Evan started official big boy school yesterday. At a school with children in grades Preschool-6th grade. If you know me at all, you know I was a teeny bit of a wreck yesterday.

Yes. You are correct. He did just fine. I thought he would be so tired tonight after school for 4 hours and then going to hippotherapy and riding Vixie. Nope. He was energetic and ready to go until about 8:45 pm. Teacher reported he sang, met new friends, and followed all directions today.

Sigh…..worry really does get you nowhere doesn’t it?

Trust me Mama.

I got this.

I know buddy……….

There are no words. And that is okay.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how difficult it is to come up with the “right” thing to say when a loved one is facing a tragedy, a difficult time, or is suffering in some way.

As much as I try to see the glass as half full- and I think deep down I believe it still is- bad things continue to happen. They happen every day. It is mostly out of our hands.
Luckily, there is good that happens every day too.
Thank goodness, right?
But as I get older, the tough times keep a rolling for loved ones and for me. I think some of it is just age, the older you get, the older everyone else gets, thus developing more health problems. It might be that when we are younger, we are shielded and protected from the “bad” that exists. When we are young, we don’t have to come up with the “right words” to comfort each other. If we see a friend crying on the playground, we just go up and give our friend a hug. Then we bring them over to play with us.IMG_6944

I think there is much to be learned from how we handled our friends’ tough times as children.
When I lost my dad, I heard so many different things.
“He is in a better place.”
“You will be with him again.”
“This must have happened for a reason, you will know someday.”
“He lived a full and rich life.”
Are those things true? Quite possibly. And maybe 6 months after losing him, those statements would have been easier to hear. But when I was ravaged by the shock, the pain, the awful emptiness of losing a parent- no words were enough. In fact, I barely ever answered the phone. I asked friends to wait to visit. I just couldn’t face the pain in their faces reminding me of my own pain.
There were no words. And that is okay.
When I recently lost another baby, I received an email from a friend who has moved to another state and she wrote: ” I don’t know what to say…..My heart goes out to you, Todd, and Evan.”
I can’t tell you how much I appreciated her message. She admitted that no words really fit the situation. It just sucks, and she wanted to send her love.
There were no words. And that is okay.
Please know that I am not faultless in this department. It is SO hard to sit by while someone suffers and not offer up some type of supportive remark. But I want to share that I have learned it is not the words you choose as much as the offer to sit with someone and mourn/kick rocks/suffer/laugh with them. The text messages I received from friends who just wanted me to know they thought of me that morning. That they wanted to know that if I wanted to yell, I could call them. If I wanted to come over and not talk about anything serious, I could. That they were just there. And that is more than enough. That was so much.
Sometimes there are no words. And that is okay.
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when Sorrow walked with me

My heart has been weighed down with this blog entry for about a week. It has haunted me actually. Needing to be written.  I mentioned in my last post that I’ve suffered multiple miscarriages. So it’s not a secret, but for some reason I have chosen not to really delve into it on my blog.  I think partly because my first miscarriage was so wrapped up in my father’s passing, that I didn’t really process it.  Evan was born a year later, and we chalked it up to one of the very common first pregnancy miscarriages that we’ve read about.

But here I sit four years after that dreadful week where I found out I was pregnant, lost my dad and then lost our first baby all in one fell swoop. Since that point we were so incredibly blessed to become pregnant again (very quickly much to our surprise) and have a beautiful baby boy.

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Evan Robert June 2011

We received his diagnosis of Williams Syndrome a year later. Since that point, we went back and forth about having another  child.  The discussion was laden with many factors. Our age, the possibility of having another child with a diagnosis, and my fear of another period of awful post-partum anxiety.  Ironically, we didn’t really discuss the possibility of miscarriage. It may have crossed T’s mind, but I didn’t really consider it very seriously.  I was more worried about what would happen after the baby was here, not the possibility we might lose another one.

Yup.

If there is anything I have learned in these last 4 years, it is not to count anything out. The good possibilities and the bad ones. The very good and the very bad. I tried so hard to rest in the mystery, rest in the unknown, put it into God’s hands. I had prided myself in losing the need to ask “why” all the time for the challenges in our lives.  I realized that no matter what I did, things were going to happen, good and bad, and I might never know the reason. It’s in God’s hands, I would tell myself.

For whatever reason, God’s hands decided to change our trajectory yet again. He decided to take a second child from us before we could even meet him or her. I am a Christian and darn it, this has tested my faith like nothing else.

I’m pissed. I’m frustrated. I’m devastated. This time around I most definitely am processing it.  Whether I want to or not. As my friend Jamie said, “The universe is making sure you go through it.” She is so right. Beautiful, glowing pregnant women everywhere. Some are very treasured friends of mine who I am thrilled for.  But that doesn’t make the loss of our baby any easier.  Baby showers, pregnancy announcements, smiling babies at Target. National Siblings Day was celebrated all over Facebook the other day. Another reminder that we may not be able to provide a sibling for our son.  Repeated blood work to make sure my pregnancy hormones are going down. Unsuccessful blood draws that have led to repeated visits to get MORE blood drawn.  Weeks of cramping and bleeding after we lost him or her.  I won’t even go into the actual physical process of losing a baby.  It’s horrific. I am conflicted about it because I understand why people don’t talk about it, but at the same time, when you go through it you feel so alone. No matter how many people love and support you.  You are on this island, wanting to grieve your baby and still physically carrying him.  It’s simply awful.

It’s not fair. I want to kick rocks and scream ala Charlie Brown.

Actually, I want to stop kicking rocks and crying. I want to get over this, and move on.  But I know that’s the whole point of crying and kicking rocks. In order to get through grief, you actually have to feel it. Well jeez. That just stinks.  I like to keep moving. To keep busy and focus on the beauty that is around me, not the pain and crappy stuff.  It’s not really part of my genetic make-up to focus on the negative. But it’s also part of my genetic make-up to take care of everyone around me and sort of forget myself.

So…..here I sit. and I walk with Sorrow. And I am sharing it with you because it is the only way I know how to be honest with myself. The days I sat at home waiting to pass the baby, I tried to find blogs about miscarriage that would help me feel less alone, but also give me some hope.  This poem gave a little light to my walk:

I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When sorrow walked with me.

-Robert Browning Hamilton

So today I walk with Sorrow. And as strange as it sounds, I feel less alone for it.

Release

So it has been a coon’s age since I wrote last. (husband likes that saying) Okay maybe not that long, but since mid December.  I thought I would be brimming with things to write about over the holiday break. The magic of Christmas morning, the quiet hope of Christmas Eve night. Evan’s day time hippotherapy session, family parties, etc.

All of those things did happen, but….I felt a little harried and tired when I did have the time to blog. So instead I chose to sit in the playroom with Evan or catch up on DVR with Todd. Or spend an hour in the kitchen cooking or baking. (more on that later-you can pick your chin off the ground now) And I am glad that is how I tried to spend the little bit of free time I did have while off from work.  But my fingers have been aching to write, and I’ve been spending a lot of time catching up on other blogs, thinking, “I really need to get back into the groove!”

Hence, here I sit while Todd is playing with Evan in the other room on his new Ipad.  Todd has been fighting a nasty chest cold for about three weeks now. Maybe longer. I asked him if he could monitor Evan on the Ipad for a little while so I could have some blogging time. Of course he complied, but I can’t kick the feeling like I shouldn’t have asked. Like I should have just gotten Evan up from his non-nap and put my alone time off for a little while longer. I often feel that way. That I should leave a gathering early to get home, because Todd is caring for Evan.  Or if I go to a workout class, I feel like I am being a little neglectful as a mother and wife because I am doing something completely for myself.

Ok.

So I know most of you are probably thinking, get off it, Erin. You know you deserve your own time- we all do. Happy Mama means a happy child, etc. etc. And I do know that. I know it like I know I shouldn’t speed while driving. I know that brussel sprouts are good for me.

I know these things but I don’t necessarily live them or believe them deep down. I love this new Jazzercise class I am taking. LOVE it. The teacher is a friend of mine that I met through an early intervention program where our sons both attended. She is spunky, energetic, and a very good instructor. I leave that class sweaty and feeling lighter in my orthopedic sneakers. I’m kind of not exaggerating with that one. The first class I took she said something like, “this is your hour, right ladies??” and I thought, you know what, yes, this is my hour. If I want to jazzercise with it, I can.  If I want to reorganize Evan’s closet, I will. If I want to read endless recipe blogs, I will.

And this is why I decided that I need to Release.

My 2014 word is “Release.”

I’ve never done a theme word before. Too hokey maybe. Resolutions only last about ten days. But I thought, I want to try. I want to give myself a focus.  So I thought on it for a few days.  What would be a good word to keep in the back of my mind as I face new experiences this year, both good and bad.  I kept coming back to the idea of letting go.  Letting go of guilt. Letting go of worry. Letting go of doubt…. of insecurities, of pain, of comparison.

Release.

Like when you take a deep breath in with your nose and fill your stomach with air and then release it slowly, for at least five seconds.

That is what I want to think about this year. Releasing. So that there will be room in my heart and mind for better things.

Like this:

Happy mower

and this:

family shot

and all of these:

20130914_174033 charlene and me gran and erin singing T AND Z1836_10200589273470204_255729630_n

I know there will be plenty more of these moments in 2014, and I plan to hold them in my heart and mind and try my darndest to RELEASE the rest. Will you join me?

 

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