“I’m not screwing around. It’s time.”

Brene-my author Obi Wan.

“It’s time to show up and be seen.”- Brene’ Brown

2017 was a bit of an s**t show.  Forgive the language- that is typically not my jam.  Nor is negativity.  But truth be told, it was.  Breaking 5 bones, multiple medicine changes for Evan, ups and downs for both Todd and I as we dealt with the aftermath of my injuries, constant illnesses for Todd, I lost a dear friend from college, and it was a very tumultuous year for Evan and us as his parents.  (I’ll skip over the time I lost both kids at the Discovery Museum. Had a emotional breakdown in the gift shop and Evan laid down in the lobby. WORST parenting day ever……)

Not to mention the two year old tornado that is Melody Jane.

All hail Queen M

As I mentioned in my last post– the second half of this year has been spent trying to help Evan learn how to regulate his emotions, how we as parents can avoid giving him attention for negative choices he makes, accepting our expectations are often very different, and how to love each other through it. 

You know focusing on the tough, the hard, accepting the s**t show is not easy for me. I want to see the silver lining at all times.  But this year, I found myself sitting in the hard a lot.  Asking for help when I needed it. Accepting help when it was offered. A dear friend took Evan once a week while I was healing and fed him dinner and let him play for a few hours at her house. That was monumental. Meal after meal came to our house.

I would tell Todd I needed time to myself. I would lock myself in a room (like um…right now) and sleep, troll Instagram, blog, or just stare at a wall. We lined up respite hours through Performcare. The system worked for us this time! We have an incredible respite provider/babysitter who loves our kids almost as fiercely as we do. 

Sitting in the hard, accepting the tough, has helped the “armor” to fall away.  It has helped me to see my self worth.  To take a deep breath and realize I am not the cause of all that is tough.  I am not responsible for all the Hard.  I am responsible of how I RESPOND to it.

This brings me back to Brene’. I read this quote earlier this year and it just spoke to me. Jumped off the page and coursed through my veins.

 “It’s time.”

It’s time for 2018.  Time to turn 40.  Time to take back control over my health.  Time to focus on my family, myself, my marriage. Time to show up and be seen. Time to show my children that they can show up and be seen.  Plan B might turn into Plan C.  Maybe even Plan D.

It can stink, it can be hard. I can say that and not feel guilty. (well, that is a work in progress, let’s be honest)  But that side of me that wants so badly to see the silver lining- she will shine brighter when she needs to.  Like today. 

She is shining today. 

Bring it 2018.


Leave a Reply