I didn’t know..

First Day of School for Evan (27 months) September 2013

 Well….I did it. We did it. We made it through week one of Project Return to Work. The last day I taught in a classroom setting was in April of 2011.  I was 9 months pregnant and incredibly eager to meet my son and become a mother.  I can honestly say I had NO CLUE what the next two years would bring. 

None. Zip. Nada.

I didn’t know the excruciating pain of labor. 
I didn’t know the extreme joy of holding my first born child after carrying him around for ten months and five days.  
I didn’t know the turmoil that sleep deprivation can do to your emotions and your psyche. 

Saying hi from my classroom.

I didn’t know much I would need and love having my mother in law stay with us when I struggled with anxiety and insomnia in the months after giving birth. 
I didn’t know that being a mother is not necessarily an inherent skill you are born with. It takes work and experience just like any other job. 
I didn’t know that I would miss getting dressed for work in the morning and the adult conversations that go along with having a job outside of the house.
I didn’t know how guilty I would feel for missing those things.

I didn’t know how much guilt stinks. 

I didn’t know  how being a SAHM sometimes feels like high school all over again, with the mommy cliques and the comparison conversations that go on at the playground and indoor play facilities.  
I didn’t know how much richer my relationship with my mother would be through becoming a mother myself.  
I didn’t know how important it would be to make sure to have a child free conversation with Todd every day.
I didn’t know how hard it would be to leave Evan with a babysitter. We still have not “hired” someone outside of our circle of family members and friends. 
I didn’t know how exhilarating it would be to have a baby free dinner with Todd.
I didn’t know we would find out our child has a rare genetic condition.
I didn’t know how life changing a moment in a doctor’s office could be. 

Evan (1) after diagnosis

I didn’t know how hard it would be to be around my friend’s children for a while.
I didn’t know how desperately I would try to find a reason to believe the  doctor might be wrong.
I didn’t know that one day I would realize my child was going to change people’s lives. For the better.  
I didn’t know how music would bring so much joy to our child.
I didn’t know that I would end up taking an additional year off and have no regrets.
I didn’t know how I would go from wanting to work, to not wanting to work, to needing to go back to work and all the emotions that go along with it.
I didn’t know the power of online communities. 
I didn’t know I would make lifelong friends on a support board. 
I didn’t know I would wear a Williams Syndrome awareness tee shirt to the store and hope that someone would ask me about it. 
I didn’t know how the half hour after nap time would become my most favorite time with Evan.
I didn’t know how important early intervention is.
I didn’t know how much I would value Evan’s therapists.

I didn’t know how hard it would be miss some of Evan’s therapy sessions because of work.
Again, I didn’t know how much guilt can really stink.
I didn’t know how hard working moms work. 
I didn’t know how hard stay at home moms work.
I didn’t know conflicted I would feel about being both of those things. 
I didn’t know how hard it would be to give up the amount of control I have over Evan’s life.
I didn’t realize how much I value being in control.
I didn’t know how two big blue eyes could just fill up my heart and tear up my insides all at the same time.

I didn’t realize how blessed I was, and would continue to be. 


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19 Comments on I didn’t know..

  1. Pascale LeBrasseur
    September 15, 2013 at 2:01 pm (7 years ago)

    I love this post.
    “I didn’t know how hard it would be to be around my friend’s children for a while”
    Our daughter is 6 weeks younger than my older brother’s son. The comparison between them seemed to go on forever where he slept and reached milestone timely and my “not yet diagnosed” daughter did not sleep or reach any milestone, My house was a mess, theirs was spotless…
    It made it difficult to visit them as I couldn’t take the comparison and questions.
    Once diagnosed with Cri du Chat syndrom at 15 months, the delays and everything else made sense but to see her healthy cousin who now had baby brother coming was so difficult.
    To see any younger than her kids do so much more than her was heartbreaking. I admit to not know my big brother’s kids as much as I should, it was just too painful.
    My little brother started his family later, his oldest is 9 while Emily is now 15, he also have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. I enjoy those kids so much and what was once painful, is now a joy. To see them learn and do things age appropriate is truly amazing. I don’t see them as often as I would like due to the fact that it takes a 7 hour drive to get there but I make each visit counts and Emily loves her cousins!

    Your post sent me back 14 years, I felt most of those things you described.
    Great post

  2. Terry My Journey With Candida
    September 15, 2013 at 8:32 pm (7 years ago)

    HAHAHHA.. love this post. And… you don’t know how hard teen years are going to be. Welcome to Motherhood. http://www.myjourneywithcandida.com/

  3. Dawn Spatulas On Parade
    September 15, 2013 at 8:57 pm (7 years ago)

    Great post. Everyone who is THINKING of getting pregnant should read it. Been there and done that. Girl it is NOT easy to be a working outside the home mom and an inside the home. Because that is what you are. You work/job for a living but still have to work at home. Seems you’ve learned a lot. And just think, he’s only 2! You’ve got a lot of learning left. 🙂

  4. cyndie
    September 15, 2013 at 9:18 pm (7 years ago)

    Motherhood has its challenges. I did not have a clue my child was autistic not did I know that I would be come the biggest advocate!

  5. Lean Lacaba
    September 16, 2013 at 12:29 am (7 years ago)

    being a mother really does not have a how-to book. every mom has something different to go through. Stay strong. 😀

  6. Maria - Tough Cookie Mommy
    September 16, 2013 at 12:52 am (7 years ago)

    As an educator, I know all too well what it is to juggle a family and a teaching career. Good luck to you in your new endeavors.

  7. Motherbugs
    September 16, 2013 at 12:57 am (7 years ago)

    Endless Challenges in motherhood! keep strong

  8. PamIW
    September 16, 2013 at 12:59 am (7 years ago)

    So glad you made it through the first week and I know each week will get just a little easier because of routine. I have been there and done that and I know what are going through. But we mothers are “tough cookies” and we are able to step up to the plate and shine.

  9. Dov Shapira
    September 16, 2013 at 4:06 am (7 years ago)

    This is so true and kinda sad how little we know, how we did not get any preparation from no one, not from our parents.
    I remember going shopping when she was pregnant, the store owner said to me, “once that thing is out, your life will change forever”

  10. tessii1
    September 16, 2013 at 2:59 pm (7 years ago)

    I’ve done both and I know first hand how hard it is. Moms are strong!!

  11. JadeLouise Designs
    September 16, 2013 at 4:34 pm (7 years ago)

    So beautiful! Becoming a parent brings a lot of emotions and challenges you never expect. And sometimes those challenges seems to be present no matter which you choose, guilt for staying home, guilt for working. It’s always there. But you definitely are on the right path! Cherishing your little one and doing all you can for him. -Amber Edwards

  12. Amberlee Cave
    September 16, 2013 at 4:53 pm (7 years ago)

    Thank you for this post. As a mother of two I never thought either of my children would have any problems. We are taking our daughter to a neurologist next month as they believe she has autism. It’s been tough, but because of other families out there we will make it though. 🙂

  13. Nicole A.
    September 16, 2013 at 6:40 pm (7 years ago)

    I love the ” I didn’t know how hard it would be to give up the amount of control I have over Evan’s life.” We’ve talked about me going to work part time teaching but I can’t give up the control yet. It’s so hard.

  14. Chef John & Anne
    September 16, 2013 at 9:59 pm (7 years ago)

    Such a great post on motherhood!! Thank you for sharing.

  15. Noor Unnahar
    September 17, 2013 at 12:00 am (7 years ago)

    I loved reading it . A mum’s love is unbeatable :”)

  16. kristenione
    September 17, 2013 at 12:18 am (7 years ago)

    What a great post. Such love. Best wishes to you and your family.

  17. Stacie Haight Connerty
    September 17, 2013 at 4:12 am (7 years ago)

    This is a really nice post. I could have never imagined feeling the way that I do about my children.

  18. Jenny
    September 17, 2013 at 1:21 pm (7 years ago)

    Great post 😀 Yea you never know what you’re in for when you have kids. I didn’t even know and boy was it… phew. You’re great though and you’ll continue to be great! 😀

  19. Courtney Pies
    September 17, 2013 at 2:29 pm (7 years ago)

    I can’t say I understand about the genetic condition, but I understand a lot of this. Especially how your relationship with your mother can become stronger after you, yourself, have a child. I got much closer with my mom after having my daughter two and a half years ago. Unfortunately my mom passed away unexpectedly in May of this year, but I will forever cherish the close relationship we had. 🙂


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